Sunday, July 22, 2018

The Witch Is Not The Only One Who Is Green

We recently took Caroline to New York for her birthday. Part of the trip included seeing Wicked at the Gershwin Theater. The show was spectacular. I’m in a bit of a rebuilding phase of my life after opening lots of compartments of my life that I have kept hidden from practically everyone I have ever known. Watching Wicked at this particular time in my life was useful.  Elphaba’s struggle with what others saw as a flaw hit close to home for me. I have come through what I think is the worst of it now. Here are some conclusions I have drawn.

 I am not the sum total of my flaws. 

I may be broken in many places, but that brokenness does not define me. 

I am no more special than anyone else, but I am just as special as anyone else. 

The repair work I have done does not erase the history of abuse I experienced. The repair work does, however, take that history and uses it to make me stronger, to draw me to deeper compassion, and to celebrate the me that I am becoming.

I am loyal, faithful, and caring. These traits are not perfected in me, but they are being perfected in me and will continue to be until I cease to breathe.

I cannot dwell on my failures - times when I have been less than honest or times that I have been uncaring and unkind. I can look squarely at those failures, seek forgiveness for those failures, and live in authenticity and with pure intent so as to reduce the likelihood of repeating those failures. 

I love my family more than I love my life. I love Karen, Daniel, Caroline, and David. I will not hurt them by remaining in the prison of betrayal. I will come out of the prison, and I will live for perhaps the first time in forever.

I refuse to be labeled. I am not a Christian man, a church man or a non-church man. I am not a straight man or a gay man. I am not an abused man, a weak man, or a strong man. I am simply a man. That is all there is to it really. I am simply a man on a journey to somewhere unknown.

I will not settle for walking with a limp. I will learn to run with the limp. I will learn to soar with the limp. The limp may always be there. I don’t know right now, but I suspect it will be. I do know that I cannot pretend the limp is not there. I reject anyone or any organization that would have me dress up and pretend the limp is not there. I do not live in Oz. I think I’ll try Defying Gravity.

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